an image of various astrological signs
Student Life

The April fools horoscope

With the exam season—and possibly a sixth wave——and possibly a sixth wave—on the horizon, //The McGill Tribune// plots out what the stars have in store for us for us. 

Capricorn: Watch your step when you finally get up from that study spot!! You wouldn’t want to trip and fall in front of everyone at the library. Your pride won’t recover from that, it’s low enough as is.

Gemini: We know you have a great discount code for Uber Eats—and yes, Boustan does sound great tonight—but maybe focus on the $150 worth of groceries that’re molding away in the back of your fridge. 

Virgo: Don’t be afraid to //not// go to Cafe Campus this weekend. Diversity is the key to getting a classic Montreal nightlife experience, and we’re certain you’ll have more fun by doing literally anything else. 

Aquarius: We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. We sense you’ll need to store up some good karma for exam season. Next time you go see the hotdog guy, try to pay for the person behind you in an act of spontaneous kindness. Out of all you see on TikTok, whether it’s rock climbing, baking, or calligraphy, this is something you could actually pull off. Your wallet will not appreciate it, but you might make a friend. 

Scorpio: Mischief is calling your name. Next time you Mischief is calling your name. Next time you go to Birks and take your shoes off at the entrance, try leaving with someone else’s shoes. It will be a fun experiment that others will definitely appreciate.

Leo: We know you’re out of luck with love—again. We know you’re out of luck with love—again. As a funny opener for your next Tinder match, ask them to deposit $10,000 into your bank account. Chances are that they’ve heard about the Tinder Swindler and will laugh at your joke—if not, at least you’ll make some cash. 

Aries: You got 95 per cent on the midterm for some geography elective you took this semester and your confidence is immeasurable. The stars are saying that your confidence is unearned—try drawing the map of Mongolia from memory, then let us know if you still think your geography skills are superior.

Taurus: April is the month to step outside the box and be adventurous. Unfortunately for you, that means taking a Bixi to get to your finals. The commute will not be relaxing, and it might just drain all your energy, but at least the physical strain will distract you from thoughts of the impending doom of failing your exam. 

Libra: Your quest to find the perfect work-life //balance// has been fruitless at best. Seek a work-life //imbalance// instead by trying the reverse-Pomodoro: Five minutes of work, followed by 25 minutes of well-deserved scrolling. 

Cancer: It’s time to get crafty and reconnect with your artistic side. Next time you go to a house party, impress everyone by bringing home-brewed alcohol. It’s even more impressive of a power move if you bring the leftovers to class the next day. 

Sagittarius: You’re hungover after a weekend of drinking Cancer’s booze—understandable. Treat yourself to an Uber up to Stewart Bio for your 8:30 a.m. lecture. You can’t skip class; your prof will be heartbroken if they don’t see you in the crowd of 300! 

Pisces: Master of the aquatics, we think you should try going to the McGill pool every morning this week. But don’t do a butterfly stroke. Everyone in your lane will hate you if you do a butterfly stroke.  

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