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Retired NHL player wins Nobel

 Retired NHL player of the Ottawa Senators, Allan Starford, has just won the Nobel Prize in physics for his advances in quantum theory. The Brobune was  granted an exclusive interview after the award ceremony.


Q: So, Mr. Starford, now that you’ve won this Nobel prize some people are saying that your contributions to the field match those of great thinkers like Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Stephen Hawking. What do you say to those comparisons?

A: Well, y’know, it’s an honour just to be mentioned in the same sentence as guys like ‘Steiner and Wheels. Those guys were my idols growing up. Every Sunday night, me, pops, and my bros would gather around the ol’ International Journal of Theoretical Physics and have ourselves a time reading stuff that they wrote.


Q: Is there anybody you want to thank for your recent award?

A: The boys at the lab deserve this award just as much as I do. You know what they say, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘physics.’ After I get out of this monkey suit, the boys from the lab are going to meet me at the bar to crush some brewskis and see if we can theoreticize a way to drink bubbly out of this here trophy.


Q: Can you explain your theory?

A: It is what it is.


Q: Can you expand on that?

A: Well I took old Hawky’s work on gravitational singularities and I just took that and said to myself, “But isn’t a gravitational singularity just like a hockey net?” And from there it was a piece of cake. I, mean, not to say that the boys and I didn’t have to bust our humps and give 110 per cent to prove it.


Q: Earlier this year it looked as though Hawking was going to walk away with this award. But you and the team really made some developments during the year that won you guys the award. What can you say about the turn around you made this year?

A: We just had to be more consistent. Y’know, just keep our feet moving, our heads up and do our thing for a full calendar year. And that’s not taking anything away from Hawking and all those guys over there. They’re a real good lab and deserve all the credit in the world for making us work so hard and pushing us to be our best. It is what it is, but it also will be what it will be.


Q: What can you say about the team effort that went into this award?

A: Well, what can you say? Eh? We were never satisfied. Physics is a game of details and we need to continue to focus on getting back in the lab, working hard on defending our theory and just working as a team. I can’t say enough about the guys around me. You know, not only are they great physicists but they’re great guys as well—guys like Wrighty, Bones, and Sully—just a bunch of grinders. Just every day we would grind away, give it 110 per cent and work on the little things that you need to be successful in this game. Just a bunch of hard working beauties who kept working to improve each and every day. But walking away with this award, not as an individual, but being part of such a great group of guys is an incredible feeling, y’know. It’s just the best—there’s nothing else to be said.

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