I am compelled to thank all of the McGill gym bros who have approached me over the past four years for teaching me how to work out. Your generosity consists of stopping me mid-set to critique my form, asking me which of my boyfriends taught me how to lift weights, suggesting that I use the bar meant for girls, and telling me that another exercise would be more effective. Apparently, being a female in the gym permanently renders me clueless as to lifting weights, despite having done so for years.
I have noticed that although there is a standard way to conduct oneself in the gym as a male, there is a glaring lack of standardized procedure for newcomer gym bros. For example, a first-year attending the gym for the first time might actually respect others’ space while working out, and wait to use equipment. As a lowly female that dares to enter—and use—the weight section, I maintain that the McGill gym community must avoid such a bro-pocalypse. Worry not, potential and novice gym-goers. I present to any aspiring bros a polished guide to working out in gym bro fashion and flexing masculinity!
As any alpha male should, McGill’s gym bros must set an example to all beta gym-goers. Incoming gym gals will not know how to work out if no one tells them how to. Endeavour to grunt as loudly as you can—yell, if necessary—during any and all compound movements, especially the ultra-masculine bench press. If you happen to be spotting your fellow bro, support him by counting his reps as loudly as possible, and shout any motivational quotes that come to mind. Always be mindful that if you do not make your presence known to every single person in the fitness centre, the gym pedestrians will continue with their routine of useless exercises. Without seeing a shining example of real, unfettered strength, the McGill population will surely shrivel into—heaven forbid—negative gains.
The next step in solidifying bro status is to occupy as much space as possible in the weights section. Place your water bottle—presumably filled with quadruple-strength explosive pre-workout mix—and towel on separate box steps. Otherwise, why are you at the gym? Let others know you need as much space as possible to properly activate your muscles. If someone dares to ask for such a crucial piece of equipment as your water bottle platform, make sure you do at least two more impeccable sets of deadlifts before acknowledging their presence. If they have not already cowered away, move your precious bottle of pre-workout to the floor, accompanied with a loud sigh to signify your displeasure of acquiescing to their unreasonable demands.
Above all, make sure to observe any lowly gym-goers closely while they work out. When you witness improper form, ineffectual exercises, or the gains-destroyer—also known as cardio—provide your unsolicited, but much needed, advice. Never mind their goals or their physique, you are the authority on all physical activity. Disrupt such a display of embarrassment and lead them to the right path, even if that path is to the exit turnstile. If you see a female in your lifting territory, simultaneously correct her form and tell her to lift heavier weights if she wants booty gains. Then, do numerous pull-ups in front of her between sets to reassert your strength and wisdom. Bonus points to if you manage to interrupt her mid-set!
Upon consistent and rigorous devotion to the aforementioned principles, you will eventually flourish into the McGill gym bro you always dreamed of becoming. Go forth and bestow this gift of knowledge on everyone else. And by that, I mean tell them their form sucks.
jeesus this is cringeworthy.
Are ur jimmies rustled???