With the spring weather suddenly upon us, it is time to look wistfully forward to summer…or more specifically, the summer aesthetic. It doesn’t matter that it is barely spring, or that the spring solstice was only last Sunday—it will never be too early to start working on your bikini body!
Luckily for you, That Influencer just uploaded their 10-minute summer body workout. Now you can sneakily do crunches beside your bed as the mind-numbing, non-copyrighted music trickles out of your Airpods—MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM! You’ll have to leap to your feet and run to the door in a shameful attempt to conceal your flimsy athletic aspirations, wondering why parents must always have the worst timing. Returning to the floor, you’ll dutifully recommence your Russian twists and reassure yourself that you’ll see results soon. Maybe you have model genetics too, they’re just recessive.
Of course, all bodies are bikini bodies…and besides, you’re working out for your mental health, right? But on top of that, this year’s trending pieces actually only look good on a small fraction of the population. That won’t stop you from buying them though, since stores are now more inclusive than ever! Maybe you’ll try asking an employee for fashion advice. She’s ignoring you? Weird. Whatever, Aritzia is overpriced anyways.
Though you’ve heard mixed reviews, you’ll place an order from SHEIN instead; 10 shirts for less than $100? Steal! But when you check the tracking email, you’ll be horrified. Estimated Delivery: One month! What ever happened to fast fashion? You probably should’ve paid the extra four dollars for express shipping. So because you have no clothes to wear, you’ll head down to Eva B. for some much-needed retail therapy. But don’t worry, you’re shopping sustainably.
The feminine urge to categorize yourself for others’ consumption is overwhelming, so you’ll definitely open Pinterest, pinning inspiration for the aesthetic that’s All Yours. Remember, the It-Girl is not just an aesthetic, it’s a lifestyle. You must dress like you’re vacationing in Italy, —but make itstill weather appropriate—: Iit is only 10 degrees out. Listen to small indie artists (like Tame Impala or Mac DeMarco) that you discovered before they got popular—but also know all the popular radio ones. Workout—but not too much. Drink green juices and eat your vegetables but also be able to enjoy a burger and fries and party—in a classy way that costs more money than you currently have.
The stress of preemptively defining your summer vibe swells, and you might decide you need a coffee, your third one of the day, but it’s okay because you’re in your Lorelai Gilmore era. As you walk to Starbucks, you’ll pass a guy who checks you out. You’ll roll your eyes and meet the lens of an imaginary camera: You’re in your Fleabag era.
As you wait for your iced white mocha latte with oat milk to be ready, the BeReal notification will ping. You’ll snap a selfie and upload it. Gotta update your friends on what you’re doing at this exact moment in time. Scrolling through: McLenny, cafe, still in bed, oh—she’s in a lecture right now. You smile at your phone. It’s fun to be so present in your friends’ lives…almost like hanging out with them.
A text will pop up on your phone, it’s your friend. She says you guys are going out tonight. You’ll ask her the dress code and she’ll respond: Medium whore. You’ll mentally sift through your box of nearly identical tiny black tops and decide on one. Or maybe you’ll wear that one.
And then you’ll be at the club, dancing and trying to pretend you don’t notice the guy who has been staring at your tits for the last 10 minutes. You’ll raise your phone above the crowd to snap a picture to post on your Instagram story—for how else are people going to know that you’re having more fun than they are?