SSMU turns to flip cup to decide result of “divisive” and “external” motions

In the aftermath of the failed attempt to pass a constitutional amendment creating a Steering Committee to prevent “divisive” and “external” motions from being voted on at the General Assembly (GA), The Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU) Council has announced a new procedure for dealing with controversial motions. Instead of being voted on, controversial motions will now be decided by a large game of flip cup between supporters and opponents.

 SSMU’s ruling will require that, effective as of next semester’s GA, any motion that is deemed divisive and external will be approved or rejected based solely on the results of a relay-style, beer-chugging drinking game to be played on the assembly floor.

While the decision has come as a shock to many members of the McGill community, SSMU representatives have firmly defended their decision, claiming it is a necessary step to reverse student disenchantment with SSMU, the GA, and the democratic process on campus. 

SSMU President Cole DeBeir adamantly defended the rule change, explaining the reasoning behind SSMU’s decision.

“Debates over controversial motions at McGill have developed into such appalling cycle of yelling, name-calling, and fake outrage that a drinking game in the middle of the [GA] would provide a welcome moment of relative sanity for all in attendance,” DeBeir said.

 The SSMU President also claimed flip cup would significantly reduce the amount of divisive rhetoric at the GA.

“It is impossible for anyone to have their arguments about any controversial subject taken seriously while a dribble of foamy beer trickles down their chin.”

SSMU VP Internal Y. N. Couler pointed out that, in addition to combining two of McGill’s most sacred traditions—needlessly heated political arguments and binge drinking—the flip cup games would have another important benefit.

“Instead of leaving the GA with a feeling of bitter disappointment from having witnessed the ongoing implosion of our student democracy, students will now get to leave with the slightly better feeling of a warm, Pabst Blue Ribbon-induced burp,” Couler said.

Some students have taken to Facebook to voice their opposition to SSMU’s decision, labelling it as “undemocratic” and “ridiculous.” A few brave critics even chose to write their dissents entirely in capital letters, in order to properly express their outrage. 

“SSMU’s decision to pass amendments via games of flip cup is an insult to the student body,” wrote student Rouman Coch on SSMU’s Facebook page. “Clearly beer pong would have been a much better choice.”

Regardless of the reaction of critics, SSMU representatives remain confident that the “Motion to Flip Cups” will help restore the confidence of students in SSMU and the democratic process. Beginning with the next GA in Fall 2016, they hope to see a real change in how controversial motions are treated on campus. However, some within SSMU see the motion less as a solution and more as a distraction.

“Honestly, some of us are hoping that after a few games of flip cup everyone will just forget about the motions and head over to Gerts,” an anonymous source within SSMU’s financial department confessed.

The administration has yet to make an official comment on SSMU’s decision, although according to anonymous sources close to McGill Principal Joanne Fournier, she reacted to the news with a subtle fist pump and muttered the words “McGill once, McGill twice.”

*This article is a work of satire and a part of our joke issue*

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