WASHINGTON, D.C and McBill/Milton-Parc, MONTREAL QC
After weeks of speculation, United States President Barack Obama made his first public comments on the campus political scandal that has divided partisans worldwide. Opining on the incident that has come to be known as “Barnan-gate,” Obama called the situation a “total gong-show.”
The incident which prompted Obama’s statement was an apology that Ryan Barnan, Vice-President Listserv and Fro$h of the Students’ Society of McBill’s Offensive Overlords (SSMOO), was forced to give in the wake of an equity complaint which alleged that a .GIF image he had sent of President Obama kicking down a door constituted a microaggression. The decision was met with much ridicule on the McBill campus, but the story seemed to have run its course before being picked up by several American right-wing blogs, bringing the story to international prominence.
“It’s always interesting to hear the news from up North,” Obama said at the press conference. “As you know, my staff is generally swamped with more important international news, which freed me up to keep a close eye on this situation as it unfolded.”
“At first I thought that SSMOO Council was just cramping [Barnan’s] style by making him apologize,” the president continued. “I mean, it was really just a classic case of Barnan being Barnan. Although I later totally sympathized with students who felt—what’s the phrase—‘micro-aggressed’ by the image. But then it blew up online and I couldn’t believe the amount of [crap] that Barnan was taking for it. And now I’m just upset that they retracted the apology. It’s been a real roller-coaster ride.”
“I’m just glad I wasn’t calling the shots in that situation. Yikes,” Obama concluded before being called into the Situation Room for an emergency meeting of the National Security Council.
In response to a follow-up question, Obama revealed his next steps; a trip to Canada to meet with the members of the SSMOO executive.
“I really feel that with this unfortunate situation finally being put to rest, the time is right to directly involve myself in it,” the president said.
After making an appearance at the next scheduled Students’ Society of Offensive Overlords (SSMOO) Council session, Obama will give an exclusive interview on TVM, continuing his apparent strategy of appearing in unconventional venues to promote his policy initiatives.
The president brushed off accusations that this itinerary was a waste of his time.
“As the leader of the free world, I take personal responsibility for democracy at all levels, worldwide,” Obama pointed out. “Besides, the alternative would have been another meeting about pipelines or something with Prime Minister Harper; and let me tell you, those are quite a bore.”
Reaction on the McBill campus was mixed.
“Yaaa know, this whole Barnan thing…was, like, embarrassing to the university…but if we get a visit from Obama out of it, I guess that’s chill,” said Rhys Inding, a first-year Management student, between shots of Jägermeister.
“I really can’t support the idea of someone who has deported so many undocumented migrants and ordered so many drone strikes being on our campus,” said Damian Maastricht, a political theory student and columnist for the self-described “underground” campus publication the McBill Occasional. “The only just response to such a symbol of the status quo appearing on this racist, colonial campus is to resist.”
Meanwhile, literature student Steven Novich was unimpressed with the whole controversy.
“You know, I find the whole thing a bit distasteful,” he said, while calmly sipping an espresso and staring pensively into the distance. “Don’t we all have better things to worry about?”
A. Pierre D’Ville reported from Washington D.C.
— Additional reporting by Stephanie Lamprey and Carter Whitby in Toronto.
This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.