Montreal hipster ‘heard of it first’

In the Mile-End neighbourhood of Montreal, tote bags too-small-to-carry-anything-in are catching on. But local hipster James Bax assures that he totally heard of it first. 

“Everyone started using these tote bags all of a sudden,” Bax said. “But I started it. I mean, I’ve used aesthetically-pleasing but nonfunctional things for years. Like those glasses with no prescription? I heard of those, too, before everyone else.” 

Bax is also a fan of kombucha, the popular fermented drink making its way into every health-food store and yoga studio—and he says he started the bubbly trend. In his studio apartment that his parents pay for, Bax ferments his own scobies and bottles the drinks in mason jars from Eva B’s. 

“These jars? They weren’t even for sale, but I loved them so much that I had to have them. I’ve loved mason jars for a long time, way before everyone else started Instagramming them. I don’t use Instagram anymore, instead I use Tumblr. Instagram is just too mainstream now.” 

Among other popular trends hitting the Montreal community, like Blundstones and man-buns, Bax knew about them before they were cool. He describes this talent as a ‘sixth-sense.’ Though there are many types of hipsters, Bax seems to be them all: He rides his bike everywhere, braids his beard, goes to every protest in the city, switched to a vegan diet years ago—he even heard about lattes before coffee shops started offering them. 

“I know everything there is about coffee really, but right now I’m into matcha lattes, so of course everyone is starting to drink them,” Bax said, rolling his eyes. “Do they even know what matcha is?” 

When asked what exactly matcha is, Bax responded that it is ground spinach, when it is in fact powdered green tea. But Bax doesn’t actually go to any cafés in Montreal—none of them are authentic enough. Rather, he makes his own cappuccinos and macchiatos with his vintage espresso machine. 

“It can be really exhausting, you know, loving something before it’s popular. Because once everyone does know about it, you don’t get the validation and credit you deserve. But I’m okay, because I know that I really heard of it first.” 

This article is a work of satire and is part of the Joke Issue.

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