Joke

Joke Issue: Montreal’s hippest new nightclub

When Montreal’s newest nightclub opened last Tuesday, few could have guessed just how short the guestlist would be for the grand opening. The bouncers reportedly let in zero people over the course of the day, citing a mandate to keep out all who tried to enter.

The club, ENGL 001, was opened by club promoter DESA, and runs out of a room in the Arts Building. ENGL 001 is open for a mere hour and a half on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The club caters to a younger crowd, but there were a few older faces trying to get in last week.

The tightly-run door of the club is controlled by two rather unintimidating bouncers. Both are required to wear skinny jeans and red squares at all times, and are instructed by DESA to not let anyone in. The bouncers are also encouraged to wear scarves if it’s chilly outside, as leather jackets and Canada Goose products are prohibited.

“We have a [one-strike and you’re out] mandate from DESA,” said one of the bouncers. “We’re not allowing anyone in.”

When asked if they had ever been in the club, both bouncers said they hadn’t.

“I usually don’t get up this early,” said one. “But when they offered me the chance to keep others from going too, I jumped at the opportunity.”

As no one has yet to enter the club, rumors abound as to what exactly is inside. From an entire ice palace, to a full-scale beach, complete with sand, to a simple room with chairs and desks, suggestions run wild.

“I’m sure it’s amazing,” said one hopeful attendee. “I mean, it’s gotta be if these skinny hipsters are trying to keep me out. I’m gonna get in one day.”

For now, the inside is left to speculation, as visitors are repeatedly turned away.

“I guess I’ll just go sit outside or something,” said one discouraged young woman. 

“I’m probably gonna hit up Subway,” said another.

The organizer of the party crowd instructed everyone to meet outside to “discuss their feelings about being turned away, and other things too.” She added that they would try again next week.

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