JOKE ISSUE: Less than mediocrity

After a year that included a few wins, the McGill football team is confident that it won’t disappoint fans next year by being mediocre. The team plans to continue their losing streak, extending it to as many as three years. Star running back Alexander Hamilton will not be returning, which will help the Redmen get a fresh start on losing.

“When they finally won, I just felt like it wasn’t fun anymore,” said Red Thunder member Jake Johnson. “We were out there to cheer them on when no one else would. Now everyone is encouraging them. It’s just not the same.”

Many fans have complained that the Redmen’s relative success this year has made games inconvenient. Beer prices and noise levels have risen at Molson Stadium.

“We’d rather be known for losing than for being a mediocre team,” explained an assistant coach.

The Redmen haven’t trained since their last game in November, nor do they plan to get back on the football field until absolutely necessary.

The Redmen plan to use the extra Level I funding to pay for a training camp, where they will learn to unlearn their football skills.

“One of our players was on the Quidditch team this past year, and it really messed up the plays,” explained a coach. “He forgot how to run without a broom, and couldn’t throw a football properly anymore.”

Head Coach Cloudy Fox took this opportunity to arrange a Quidditch training camp this summer, where attendance is mandatory. While the McGill football team is known for having broom experience, many players are unfamiliar with the magical Harry Potter game, and are looking forward to the change of pace.

“Ultimately, I joined the McGill football team to have fun and get away from school,” explained quarterback John Wesley. “I really didn’t want to put any effort into it, and the pressure of winning was just too much. Quidditch will be a way to help us return to the elementary-school flag football we love to play.”

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