Joke

Joke Issue: Exclusive interview with Mov Squad founder

Count Reynolds / l’Autoroute 720 Chronicle

The l’Autoroute 720 Chronicle sat down with the founder of the Mov Squad-formerly known as [REDACTED], now operating under the pseudonym #, to talk about the squad’s formation, mission, and views on different campus issues. [Editor’s note: # is also the Chief Founding Executive Content Officer of Information, Technology, Finance and Operations, and Samosa Sales of the l’Autoroute 720 Chronicle.]

MT: So, #, can you tell us a bit about the Mov Squad?

#: We formed the Mov Squad to try and combat some of the other squads roaming around campus.You have the Mob Squad, now the Mod Squad (Editor’s note: the ModPAC), and there’s also the SSMU itself, which is just a glorified squad occupying the Shatner Building. Anyways, I formed the Mov Squad to combat these other squads. Our mission is really to mobilize in solidarity with different causes. That mission is really tough to achieve though, because when you’re standing you can’t possibly be mobile. It’s really a bacon or sausage kind of deal, so we have to strike a balance between mobilizing and standing in solidarity, which is sort of a very slow crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon walk. We’re also very engaged in a new movement known as ‘solitairity,’ which is where fellow squadders play solitaire in support of a cause.

MT: Can you explain your political stances a bit?

#: We’re generally against a lot of things. Some people describe a political spectrum from left to centre to right. Others even say there are two dimensions, like social liberals with fiscal conservative beliefs. We find this simplification pretty disgusting. We like to think of a political hyperspace in four dimensions. Our political stance is then very far away from liberalism, conservatism, Marxism, or any other isms. To use an analogy, consider politics to be like answering a multiple choice exam. Liberals answer these questions one way, and conservatives answer them the other. We wipe our a** with the paper and hand it in like that.

MT: Can you comment on some specific stances you take?

#: We’re very much in favour of corporations. We very very very very strongly dislike any person who is not a member of the squad. I don’t like to use the word hate because that has certain connotations, but it’s a good word for what we feel. But it’s not what we feel, just to be clear.

We’re really against these tuition increases, but we’re also very much against tuition decreasing. I know I’ve been budgeting to get a Wii for years, and if they change the tuition next year I’m going to be in a spot where I don’t know if I can afford it, or if I can, I might have to choose between getting an extra WiiMote, or Wii Fitness, and that’s very distressing to me.

Another one of the big, but largely ignored issues is the samosanization of campus. Clubs or organizations have samosa sales, but they don’t consult anyone beforehand. We recommend a minimum of 80 consultative forums and general assemblies in advance of any samosa sale to figure out logistics like where it will be held, what day it will be, and how many samosas there will be. Many clubs don’t do this though, so we run an underground e-mail list to share when samosa sales are going down, so other Mov Squadders can gorge themselves on the deliciously dangerous treats. Ideally we’ll catch these sales and clean them out before anyone else even knows they’re happening.

MT: You mentioned the other squads roaming around campus. How do you guys distinguish yourselves from these ‘political imposters’?

#: That’s definitely a point of contention. Everyone has their own cause these days. You have the green buttons for NUMAKA, the red squares-those are against showering, right? Then there are the people with the white squares which I think means they live in New Rez, but it might be Carrefour. Our thing is we like to decorate ourselves with Christmas ornaments. Usually 20 or 30 will suffice, but it should be enough that you’re easily  recognizable by fellow squadders. This subtle signal helps us identify each other when we’re doing undercover work at a strategic summit or investigating samosa sale potential in Shatner.

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