Joke

Honest application answers

Application to the Future of:

Steve Smythe

Please answer the following questions truthfully. Provide verifiers for specific activities.

Describe a situation when your actions had a positive influence on others.

I’m sorry, people who will decide my future, but I did not find a cure for malaria, nor have I traveled to Africa and saved a village from starvation. I did not go to Machu Picchu to help excavate it, nor did I teach English or the general values of life to impoverished children in India. I am not the Dalai Lama’s North American youth ambassador, nor have I raised millions of dollars for Leonardo DiCaprio’s tree-saving charity. I did, however, give a girl the best lay of her life last night. By the sounds of it, I influenced her very, very positively that evening.

Verifier: Suzie? No, Sam … Serena?

Are you a “big picture person” or are you more prone to detail? Give an example that illustrates your orientation.

This is one of those questions where there is no right answer, right? Asking me whether I see the big picture or scrutinize over minute details is like asking whether I’d prefer walking on the right or the left side of the street. You’re just looking for a skillfully bullshitted answer. On the left side, I may benefit from some cool shade on a bright day and might even avoid a pothole or two. Conversely, taking the right hand route would definitely save me some time, and time is money, right? No. You know what? Maybe I am gifted with a broad perspective and at the same time have a knack for precision. So I should walk down the middle of the street? No. I get it now! I have been brought up to avoid generalizations and not be fussy over what’s on my plate, so I won’t walk at all.

Verifier: My friend Hans Leutermann who, if you call, will tell you that I will be an amazing doctor/lawyer/whatever position this application is for.

Describe a situation in which you were in “over your head” and how you dealt with it.

NO.

    

Describe a situation when you went above and beyond and gave 110 per cent. Reflect on your reasons for doing so.

My incredible stamina and solid work ethic shone like a laser beam the night my Science Carnival team fought for the winning title against the arch nemesis team Pocahump-us. Earlier that night, tired and hung-over, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make the final event as I was temporarily impeded, projectile vomiting in an alley near Brutopia. My teammates suggested I go home and rest, as unfortunately I was clearly physically incapable of performing any kind of action which didn’t involve puking Chicken McNuggets. However, the final event was a lightning round of bros icing bros and without my lack of gag reflex, I knew that my team would suffer. After an hour of belligerent crawling, I arrived at the event like a phoenix out of the ashes, except covered in its own urine. I secured our gold-medal status, and we celebrated like kings before I had to be hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning. This is a clear indication of my resilience, and how I will go above and beyond to fulfill my destiny.

Verifier: Hobo up  the street from Brutopia, Crescent Street.

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