Canadiens trade Bergevin to Sabres for bag of pucks

The Montreal Canadiens announced Thursday that they have traded General Manager Marc Bergevin to the Buffalo Sabres for a bag of practice pucks that were found in the back room of the KeyBank Center. This news comes after months of speculation from fans and critics, who have long suspected that Bergevin’s subpar performance as GM would force the Canadiens to make a move.

“He’s had some good moments over the years, but recent performances have been undoubtedly underwhelming,” Canadiens owner, president, and CEO Geoff Molson said. “We felt that Marc needed a change of scenery in order to improve his performance. Buffalo will give him that opportunity.”

Many of Bergevin’s critics have pointed to poor trades and free agent signings—such as those of Jonathon Drouin and Karl Alzner—as reasons for his departure. Compared to the talent the Habs gave up to acquire the two players, both have underwhelmed this season.

“His performance as GM has deteriorated in recent years,” Montreal Gazette sports reporter Pat Hickey said. “Everyone is criticizing him, and I think it’s getting to the guy.”

Following the announcement, the Sabres faithful has erupted with rage on social media platforms. Even Buffalo Head Coach Phil Housley has voiced his criticism of the trade.

“I really think Montreal cheated us on this one,” Housley said. “We give up an entire bag of pucks and Marc is all we get for it? We could have gotten a good practice or two out of those pucks. It’s absolute robbery.”

Housley will likely try Bergevin out on the Sabres’ fourth line for a few games prior to the end of the season. If they’re lucky, they might get a goal or two out of him before Buffalo misses the playoffs for a seventh consecutive season. If not, he should be a strong veteran presence for rookie Buffalo GM Jason Botterill, who has not yet learned how to destroy a franchise.

This article is a work of satire and is part of the Tribune’s 2018 Joke Issue.

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