FEATURE: Frosh-damentals

ow. Ow. OW! Who replaced the florescent lights with pointy, pointy knives?These are the thoughts running through poor little Gordon-the-Freshman’s head the morning after his first night of Frosh week. If Gordon´s waking thoughts are any indication, he is well on his way to achieving Frosh-Success.Like his frosh leader explained the night before, McGill Frosh Week is just like freshman classes: the common belief that both are exclusively for first year students is an enormous misconception.”Frosh week is like a rite of passage,” a fifth-year bio-chem major quips as he sets up an IV drip to get his vodka more directly. “If you don’t complete it properly, as far as I’m concerned, you must repeat it until you do.”How you do it right the first time, though, is what Gordon wants to know. Right on, Gordon. Right on. Here are the ultimate McGill Frosh fundamentals, compiled from the stories of students of all ages and faculties. If you find that one or more of these were missing from your frosh experience, you are doomed to give it another go… or must sacrifice your left nut and/or ovary to the frosh Gods.** note: although no real names have been included, every quote below is real. Everyone is in the same drunken boatIt is inevitable that everyone you meet in frosh week will share the same interests as you: “We both like liquids with bubbles,” exclaims second-year-Sidney excitedly of her new friendship with Gordon. “But not beer. Or Diet Coke. Tequila counts, right?”You’ll have the same experiences, too: “We both want to be doctors!” Sidney sloppily continues. “An Art History doctor and an Engineering doctor!” Sometimes, you might even share a name: “I’ve renamed Gordo,” explains Sidney seriously, “I’ve renamed everyone. To Paris Hilton. Because that’s MY name.”

Floorcest: How convenient!”I was warned about floor-gies and floor-gasms from all my older friends,” an undisclosed fourth-year student recounts. “Then, when I (of course) did it, I remember thinking to myself, ‘Wow. This is the shortest walk of shame I will ever have to do!'” “I agree,” a guy (who is only known by his dorm-mates as “that guy”) chimes in. “And, you know, I was actually able to get back my favourite I´ heart boobs t-shirt the next day!” Score.´

Indiana Frosh Week and the Temple of PoonIt’s true, this is the week to “raid” some “lost arcs,” but remember to always come prepared… because you never know when a 10ft boulder will come rolling out.

Beware of “Frosh Friends””My BFF (best-frosh-friend) told me that her psychic had foreseen us becoming friends. I thought that was SO cool!” says a U2 Arts student, reflecting back on her experience. “But now, whenever I see her, I wonder just what kind of Payote that woman must have been smoking.”

More Cushion for the Pushin’The freshman 15 bursts into the scene during frosh week (just like your soon-to-be enormous ass). This weight gain is inevitable, and if you are not at least five pounds up by the end of the week, well, you’ve probably caught something.

“Baring” it all”Everyone must experience running around the Three Bares naked,” insists a former 2001 frosh leader. “Or at least take some, shall-we-say, indecent pictures nearby.” He is referring to the area by the Arts Building with the fountain, where various events, such as OAP, are known to take place. Why? It’s grassy, it’s wet and let’s face it, those naked statues are kind of hot.

Where is my right eyebrow?No, seriously guys. It’s not funny any more. What the hell happened after that game of truth-or-dare kings?

Avoiding the Coyote FuglyEvade those mornings when you’d rather gnaw off your own arm than wake up the unfortunate-looking person beside you. When none of your friends are sober enough to give you an opinion on the stranger you are taking home, there is always one option available: call dear old mom. Guaranteed, if you get her on the horn, she will impart such nougats of wisdom onto you as: “What time is it?”, “Who IS this?” and “Well, is he a nice, Jewish doctor?”

And, if all else fails…There is always SnoAP come winter time. Practice makes perfect, man.

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