Arts & Entertainment, Comedy, Pop Rhetoric

Logan Paul’s genius strategies to make you rich!

Logan Paul is not the scam king that the media has falsely painted him to be. I, for one, am an avid supporter of the hotter Paul brother and have personally spent thousands of dollars on NFTs, which I don’t regret at all. 

Non-fungible tokens, or NFTs, are the genius business of investing in unique digital images that accumulate astronomical value. Understanding NFTs to be the goldmine that they clearly are, Logan dipped his toe into the industry by purchasing one NFT for a whopping $623,000 USD, according to a screenshot of his Snapchat story. Unfortunately for him, the NFT’s worth plummeted to $10—only because there obviously wasn’t the right leader in advertising its true worth. Please welcome to the stage that leader: Logan Paul himself, the perfect champion for NFTs. 

As a non-problematic YouTuber, superstar musician, and intimidating boxer, Logan Paul is the ideal face for this new wave of NFT gaming. Taking inspiration from his love of Pokémon cards—the NFTs of the 90s and early 2000s—Logan devised a game that would maintain the joy of Pokémon’s super cool mythical animals and also introduce the masses to cryptocurrency. He announced this pet project, CryptoZoo, in 2021 on his hilarious podcast, IMPAULSIVE (isn’t he clever?). The game was simple: Use real American dollars to purchase “eggs” on the blockchain, which will “hatch” into common animals you can find on Earth. But where are the hybrid animals I was promised, you ask? Roleplaying as God, you have the power to breed your animals together to create crossbred animals (handmade unique NFT art) which accumulate Zoo tokens the longer you hold them. Think of it like a business pyramid—the most sturdy and successful shape.  

Like all the other listeners, I was immediately sold on CryptoZoo and couldn’t wait to invest. Logan Paul has never steered me wrong before, so why would he now? He alleged on IMPAULSIVE to have invested $1 million USD and over seven months of his valuable time and energy into this project. CryptoZoo was going to be a massive hit. Before launch day, CryptoZoo had sold $2.5 million in eggs. But then—sabotage. 

Logan Paul’s own development team scammed him, stole his hard-earned code, and escaped to Switzerland! They held the code hostage for $1 million and claimed to be “underpaid” when CryptoZoo had yet to be launched. As business mogul Kim Kardashian once said, “Get your fucking ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.” Everyone knows that trainees should be paid lower wages during the trial stage of their employment! 

Cut to December 2022. President Biden calls for unity, deadly storms attack the east coast, and, unbeknownst to us Logan Paul stans, the best present is about to be dropped: A scandal. No, not the false rumour that Logan Paul abandoned his pig, Pearl (she was lovingly rehomed). But a trio of tell-all videos posted on YouTuber CoffeeZilla’s popular channel was about to change everything. CoffeeZilla set out to “uncover the truth” about CryptoZoo, making wild and unfounded claims that Logan Paul hired professional scam artists and criminals to develop this game to simply make himself money. While the “scam artist” allegation was true, they also scammed Paul out of $7.7 million dollars. So really, CoffeeZilla, Logan Paul is the real victim. 

Amidst the “scandal,” the Zoo token value jumped 1000 per cent in two weeks, proving that Logan Paul’s popularity is the key to a good investment. CryptoZoo investors who know what they’re doing are biding their time, knowing that their returns will be tenfold in the near future. As Logan said, CryptoZoo is coming. Who is CoffeeZilla to decide when the development timeline ends? Only Logan can decide that. So, while scumbags like CoffeeZilla make their money off of “investigative journalism,” CryptoZoo will be passively making its investors rich—at some point! 

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