STUDENT LIVING: How-to-Just don’t get caught

Every path in life has a shortcut, a simple approach and an easy way out. It is common knowledge that the masses cheat in school, work and even dieting. Although we hate to admit it, almost every one of us has, at one point in our lives, found ourselves cheating at something or, even worse, on someone.

Of course, cheating in relationships has always been prime fodder for greedy gossip mongers. Bill Clinton’s political career, for example, was tarnished by his publicized affair with a Whitehouse colleague. The fact that he is a Rhodes scholar and great political thinker simply did nothing to justify his act of infidelity in the eyes of the media. Even though everyone knows that everyone cheats in Hollywood, Jude Law – once People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” – lost respect from his contemporaries and fans by cheating on his fiances; last year with his children’s nanny.

Although adulterous affairs can certainly have some serious repercussions, large numbers of people still continue to conduct them every day. Those that risk exposure claim to do so for a number of reasons: personal insecurity, sexual boredom, stressful work environments, alcohol… the list goes on. Therefore, before we, the younger generation, settle down into extremely serious relationships and are forced to commit ourselves to merely one person for the rest of our earthly existences, it is important that we get any cheating inclinations out of our systems while we still can!

How does one accomplish said cheating without a guilty conscience? By justifying the act through a number of loopholes that tighten and close with the acquisition of a marriage license. Here are a few basic rules for cheating on your significant other:

Rule #1: “Hos in different area codes!” For all you students in long distance relationships: if they are more then 200 miles away, how are they going to know?

Rule #2: What happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo. Reading week is the best week ever! Your boyfriend will never, ever, run into the hot Spanish pool boy with a sexy accent, so go for it!

Rule #3: What happens in Utah, stays in Utah! Take a summer internship here, because only in this great state do they turn a blind eye to polygamy.

Rule #4: “We were on a break!” This infamous line can be used in a number of situations. For example, pick a tiny fight with your significant other, then take part in an act of cheating. It didn’t count because you were in a fight, right?

Rule #5: “I did it for charity.” If the guy claims he has a terminal illness, then you performed a good deed… even if you had never heard of graft-versus-host syndrome (Arrested Development, anyone?).

Rule #6: Claim mental insanity. They do it in court, why not do it while courting?

Rule #7: It isn’t cheating if you don’t remember it! This rule is self-explanatory. Alcoholic influence is a part of the university experience.

Although these rules may serve you well as you delve into the art of relationship cheating, keep in mind that our generation’s affinity for shortcuts is exemplified through our avid use of technology. Therefore, your unfaithful activities can be caught on camera and posted in a “friend’s” Facebook album in a heartbeat. Consider yourself warned.

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