Curiosity Delivers.

(Kaylina Kodlick / The McGill Tribune)

Can we switch positions? Six horrible sex positions to avoid this Valentine’s Day

Student Living by

It’s Valentine’s eve! That means you’re probably preparing for a night of romance and doing the dirty with that special someone tomorrow. If you’re feeling especially confident, trying to impress your partner with some new moves, or are simply feeling tired of missionary, this day is the perfect occasion to try out some wacky sex positions—assuming your partner is consenting to switching things up. In order for you to have the best sex possible, The McGill Tribune has compiled a few positions to avoid this year, as they will no longer be fun after about 20 seconds.

 

“London Bridge”

This one’s for bendy babes only. First of all, I have literally never met someone with both the flexibility and strength to be the base for this nifty position. Honestly, if your partner is talented enough to support you in this way, I say marry them. After this experience, I would trust them with anything.

 

 

 

“Head spinner”

I have no idea what is going on here. This position looks like one person really wanted a hug but the other was pushing them away, prompting the first to latch on to them in tears. Also, once you finally find the correct way to align your bodies to be in this position, you will probably be too tired to do it.

 

 

 

“Bumper Cars”

This position is just an absolute mess. The imagery resembles two people who are tied together in a pool, trying to break free from each other by doing the front crawl. Not only will your arms get extremely tired from being in what seems to be a very long plank, but I have no idea how this position could feel good for either person.

 

 

 

“Lusty Leg Lift”

Ok, unless you are some sort of gymnast, there is no way you’ll be able to perform this position without pulling a muscle. Also, this only really works for people of very specific heights; if either of you are just a bit too tall or too short, things will definitely get ugly. Be careful not to fall down or accidentally kick your partner in the face.

 

 

 

 

 

Shower sex

I am 100 per cent convinced that people who say they’ve had good shower sex are lying. Although the water will be hot and steamy, the sex probably won’t be. However, if you’ve been eyeing your partner’s fancy shampoo collection, this is a great way to get your hands on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Down Stroke”

If you’re in the mood to risk your life, try this one out. I could see this position going really well if you were in space and didn’t have to deal with gravity, but here on Earth, your legs will slowly slip off of your partner’s shoulders until you’re laying on the ground, questioning why you thought this would ever work in the first place.

 

 

 

 

“Bent Spoon”

You know when you’ve been having really bad sex for 45 minutes and you’re not really into it anymore so you eventually just roll over and go to sleep? This position looks like that. Also, whoever’s on top in this position will absolutely feel too self-conscious about putting too much weight on the bottom partner for this to be pleasant for either person.

  • Bernie Sanders

    gross

Latest from Student Living

Curiosity Delivers.
Go to Top