Horoscopes for the week of March 29 to April 4, 2020

Good tidings to you, reader. I hope my greetings find you well. In these strange times we all need a little reassurance to help us keep going. I will remind you that there is indeed a tomorrow, and that tomorrow brings new and exciting challenges and experiences for us, even in the face of self-isolation. After much astrological contemplation, this is what’s in store for you this week.

Aries

A wild goose chase is on the horizon for you, where your skills of agility, quick-thinking, and seduction will be tested by your distrustful neighbour, Caruthers. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

Taurus 

A special someone is right around the corner, and you’ll be surprised to discover Valentine’s Day has come late for you this year. Unfortunately, it has been further postponed due to the current pandemic.

 

Gemini 

As a Gemini, your weakness for amphibians will become your strength after you are appointed a high-ranking Canadian military officer to help ward off an unexpected frog invasion. Channel your fear into inner rage as those ferocious animals invade the shores of Vancouver.

 

Cancer

Your strong sixth-sense will be a source of ‘I-told-you-so’ satisfaction to everyone who doubted your previous warnings of the impending frog invasion. (See Gemini.)

 

 

Leo 

Be bold this week. Don’t be afraid to invoke your inner Kirby as you unhinge your jaw and mouth-hoover your dropped Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme from the floor of your kitchen.

 

Virgo 

During these strange times, resist your usual urges to pilot shipping boats off the ports of Montreal a little longer. Your ideal time to strike is right around the corner.

 

 

Libra

Make peace your enemy this week and declare war on your roommates for their blatant disrespect of your sexy little sundress.

 

 

 

Scorpio

Take note of when your peers let their guards down, as it will be the perfect time to recruit them to your 30-person ska band, affectionately known as The Planet Crushers.

 

Sagittarius 

Dear Sagittarius reader (if you are not a Sagittarius please stop reading now), I know this is odd, but I believe I may be your father. Please reach out to me by mail, fax, or email me at [email protected].

 

Capricorn 

Suspense and intensity come your way this week when you have a showdown with the mouse that lives in your apartment. Don’t let your typical arrogance and hot-headedness get the best of you, as this will put you at a disadvantage against the mouse’s use of a .38 Special.

 

 

Aquarius

You live in the vibe economy, and the next time you vibe check, prices will be plummeting. Keep this in mind when looking for future vibortunities (vibe opportunities) this coming quarter.

 

Pisces 

You are a conniving little twerp with nothing but evil in your blood, which is why all your friends and coworkers will be surprised when you selflessly donate your life savings to Chiquita Banana.

(Image credits: Winnie Lin)

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