If you spent all summer drinking bottles of sunscreen and frying in the heat, here is what you missed in the world of sports…
–LeBron is back! Cleveland rocks! After getting schooled by Professor Tim Duncan and the Spurs in the NBA Finals, LeBron James decided to take his talents to North Beach, signing a two-year contract with the Cavaliers. The move sent the city into a frenzy as locals began searching for any remaining ashes of their old LeBron jerseys. In other significant news, Canadian national hero Andrew Wiggins was drafted first overall by the Cavaliers before being shipped off to Minnesota for Kevin Love. This trade ensures that Wiggins will indeed be heading home to Toronto the second his Timberwolves contract expires.
–Just in case the return of LeBron wasn’t enough for Cleveland, the Browns decided to add to the fun by drafting Johnny “Football” Manziel. The enigmatic rookie’s Instagram followers need not worry about a decline in the number of absurd photos he posts, as he will have plenty of time on his hands while riding the bench behind starter Brian Hoyer. The St. Louis Rams made headlines as they selected Michael Sam–the SEC Defensive Player-of-the-Year and the first openly gay NFL draftee–in the seventh round of the NFL Draft. Sam was recently cut by the Rams, but at press time was attracting interest from the Dallas Cowboys and the Montreal Alouettes of the CFL. Idiots concerned about Sam being a distraction for the Cowboys need not worry; owner Jerry Jones has already claimed that role and shows no signs of giving it up.
–The MLB trade deadline saw the Oakland Athletics bolster their pitching staff, adding both Jeff Samardzija and Jon Lester, while the Detroit Tigers pulled off a massive deal for former Cy Young winner David Price. In the AL East, the Red Sox have fallen into last place, no doubt aiming to once again use the worst-to-first strategy that worked so well over the past two years. In New York, absolutely no one has missed the suspended Alex Rodriguez. As for the Toronto Blue Jays, a strong first half of the season had fans dreaming about October baseball, but the team once again failed to keep J.P. Ricciardi’s meddlesome hands from getting in the way of their success, and quickly settled back to playing the mediocre baseball that everyone was comfortable with.
FIFA World Cup
–The United States fell to Belgium in the round of 16, but not before keeper Tim Howard stopped 16 shots, the war on terror, and global warming. In the semifinals, Argentina squeaked past the Netherlands on penalty kicks, while the German team crushed host-country Brazil 7-1. The match left so many Brazilians in tears that a second river the size of the Amazon formed and now flows through their country. The final was a scoreless thriller until the 113th minute, when Mario Götze sent a left-footed strike into the back of the net. The goal has made Götze more famous than beer, leiderhosen, and schnitzel combined in Germany.