NHL—The Vancouver Canucks and Calgary Flames engaged in a line brawl for the ages when the two rivals faced off on Saturday night. Eight players involved were issued game misconducts, and the two sides amassed a whopping 142 penalty minutes. Unsurprisingly, both squads now rank within the top five in the league for penalty minutes. Afterwards, Canucks Head Coach John Tortorella told his Flames counterpart Bob Hartley, to meet him after school near the teatherball court to settle things once and for all.
NFL—Richard Sherman wants the world to know that he is the best corner in the game. I think. I’m not sure. Actually, I’m sure. After the All-pro cornerback tipped the game-clinching interception into a teammate’s hands, he proceeded to launch into an epic post-game rant to Fox’s sideline reporter Erin Andrews. The Seattle Seahawks find themselves in the Super Bowl after dispatching hated rivals—the San Francisco 49ers. It is uncertain whether the Commissioner of the No Fun League, Roger Badell will issue a fine to Sherman for “not being boring.” The Seahawks will battle the AFC champion Denver Broncos in the big game after Peyton Manning decided to be Peyton Manning.
MLB—After a meeting with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford last week, New York Yankees third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, commented on his use of performance enhancing drugs saying, “Yes, I have used steroids. Am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.” With that, the league has decided to suspend A-Rod for the entire 2014 season, costing him his hefty $28 million paycheck. The notoriously thrifty Evil Empire rejoices at the thought of cutting salary and avoiding the luxury tax.
NBA—Kevin Durant’s 54-point night was overshadowed last week by the man taken one pick ahead of him, Greg Oden. The former Portland Trail Blazer had six points and two rebounds in just eight minutes, bringing his total career games played to just over one season in five years. Portland finally has a team worth supporting after being bitten repeatedly by the injury bug. The league is collectively waiting for the next time that the franchise chooses an oft-injured 7-footer over a future Hall-of-Famer, because twice isn’t enough.
Winter Olympics—Cool Runnings is back, mon! After a 12-year wait, the Jamaican bobsled team returns to the track for the 2014 Winter Olympics. While the program looks for funding to send it to Russia, the world waits, hoping to see the two-man team heat up the track as they look to take home Jamaica’s first Winter Olympics medal. A generation from now, the effects of this momentous occasion will be apparent as Jamaica will sweep bobsledding instead of Track and Field.