 Media Credit: Benji Feldman
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If you don't ask, you don't get. That's the maxim many twentysomething girls embrace when it comes to dating nowadays. From batting a lash, to sparking conversations, to initiating sex, the gals are in the driver's seat and no one is entirely sure what to think of it. Has femininity gone awry? Are guys losing their backbone? Is chivalry switching it up? Girls have become the authors of their own love stories, assuming dating roles that have traditionally been taken up by men. At McGill, quick-witted, ambitious girls make up 57.4 per cent of the student body. Look out, traditionalism, many a maiden is vying for your coveted throne.
The rise of Ms. Assertive
With intellectual capital becoming the new social currency, young women are increasingly driven towards careers and success, becoming ever more confident as a result. Accustomed to assertiveness at school and at play, this generation of girls has extended its bold attitudes to the dating realm. In fact, some of these girls feel forwardness is the
only way to snag boys who might otherwise be intimidated by their drive and accomplishments. Some experts, notably McGill Sociology Professor Elaine Weiner, think it's about time young women step up to the plate.
"Is it really fair that all the angst of rejection be borne only by men?" she asks. "Women have long been demanding equality in a multitude of arenas, but realms such as dating and courtship have lagged behind in terms of real, meaningful change. Rather than waiting 'passively' to be 'asked out,' women should absolutely be playing a more 'active' role in choosing whom they date as well as upending the various male-dominated conventions that accompany traditional dating patterns."
According to Berkeley Kaite, a feminist cultural studies professor with McGill's English department, women who initiate contact allow their potential suitors to see them beyond their image and credentials, thus dodging inequality in relationships. "Isn't that what we want, anyway: to meet someone as human beings and not cultural categories?"
Claire Smith, a U3 Psychology student, has no problem asking guys out. She believes that making the first move precludes pointlessly wondering whether a prospective guy is interested. "How is he ever going to know you're interested unless you drop a hint? Just ask him out-it saves time. The absolute worst that could happen is he says no, and that's not so bad, is it?"
The beau backlash
As the new kid on the block, however, Ms. Assertive is often eyed with suspicion. Though overhauling dating rituals is an important step towards gender equality, it is not necessarily something everyone endorses.
"For some reason men generally still don't respond well to women who ask them out," notes Alison James, author of the upcoming
The 10 Women You'll Be Before You're 35, an account of the various identities women adopt throughout their formative years. "Some authors argue that men still like to 'hunt,' as archaic as that sounds. I think some men still perceive women who 'ask' as needy and sometimes view it as an opportunity to take advantage of a woman."
Fearing they might be emasculating or else estranging their dates, many young women can't help but see their boldness as a liability, notes Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington.
Gracia Jalea, a U3 Cultural Studies and World Religions student, believes that while most guys appreciate intelligence and confidence in a girl, these attributes can be overwhelming when measured against stereotypically "female" qualities.
"I still think that most men expect traditional gender roles to be observed in a relationship," she asserts. "I believe that many men are threatened by women who are more intelligent, independent, and who possess a healthy sexual appetite that exceeds their own. In most if not all the situations I've been involved in, I have taken on the more dominant role and have often found myself 'wearing the pants' in the relationship."
This is hardly surprising. Sandwiched between traditionalist father figures and cool female college friends, many boys are unsure whether they want the ideal lady their predecessors sought or this new brand of strong-willed woman.
In extreme cases, some university-aged men are choosing the über traditional path, becoming members of Latin American couple agencies like Barranquilla's Best, which pairs off its customers with young, "uncomplicated," "very feminine" partners. As
New York Times' columnist Maureen Dowd observes, this regression to traditional gender roles is mirrored by popular movies like
Love Actually, in which alpha men are attracted to their secretaries and maids, rather than their successful wives and coworkers. "Art is imitating life," says Dowd, "turning women who seek equality into selfish narcissists and objects of rejection, rather than affection."
In more ordinary, everyday cases, assertive girls are simply forces too unpredictable to be reckoned with.
"Unless they are too outspoken to the point of arrogance, they can behave pretty much however they want and I'll hide behind my mother's skirt," admits Dan Kovacek, a U3 Mechanical Engineering student.
The problem is that forward girls tend to expect more from their dates because they are used to getting what they want in other areas of life. Alternatively, more inhibited girls relinquish the reins to the boys.
"A shy girl is definitely a turn-on. It is human nature to pursue that which retreats from us," says Dan Green, a U3 Philosophy student. "However, if a girl is too aloof she runs the risk of being unapproachable."
So how's a girl to teeter-totter between overpowering and standoffish?
Mesdemoiselles in hot pursuits
Recent research indicates that Ms. Assertive's plight is slowly changing. A go-getting attitude is outflanking more obvious features like looks.
"Common wisdom holds that men are socially programmed and biologically compelled to select women based on beauty and youth, physical traits that signal reproductive health," affirms Deborah Siegel, a research scholar at the Barnard Center for Research on Women. "But many men today date 'across' and, increasingly, 'up' the axes of education and achievement, with less regard for age, or for the notorious 'arm candy' factor."
Though the mould for relationships between equally strong partners has yet to be formed, it is in definitely in the works.
"It is quite difficult in this day and age, when gender roles are more ambigious, to be involved in a relationship where the power dynamics are at an equilibrium," says Jalea. "Learning from my past experiences I now look for a guy who feels lucky to be with me, but who also thinks he deserves me. And I am beginning to realize that they do exist."
At McGill, there are plenty. Kovacek, for instance, does not believe that femininity has anything to do with being forward or outspoken.
"To me, these behaviours show not how feminine a girl is, but how mature and confident she is," he says. "A girl who is not afraid to speak-and act-her mind, but also possesses the ability to do so with tact is incredibly attractive." Â
Graeme Fraser, a U3 Anthropology student, echos this sentiment. "Confidence is an attractive characteristic for almost all women. Outspoken and forward girls seem to get what they want, when they want it."
But is this kind of assertiveness intimidating?
"Not at all," says Nathaniel Smith, a U3 IDS student. "I think it takes some of the stress off guys' shoulders, makes things easier for us."
The new chivalry
With girls becoming the serenaders, chivalry has obviously had to transform itself to keep up. Some guys confess to feeling unsure how to act around assertive girls because they're concerned that overly "gentlemanly" behaviour will make them seem sexist.
"There is a bit of a grey area, but you can generally figure out what kind of treatment the girl wants from you quite quickly," says Smith. "Honestly, if you are being too gentlemanly around a strong-willed girl, she will let you know!"
"It's all about good intuition," confirms Michelle, a U3 Marketing and Organizational Behaviour student who feels the new chivalry is about consideration and self-worth.
Michael Perez, an Engineering student who works for McGill's Speed Dating Club, agrees.
"We believe that chivalry, while not dead, has evolved into mutual politeness and respect," he affirms. "The old tradition of the man asking out the woman doesn't apply in speed dating, since both participants play an equally active role in indicating their interest. Then again, at our events, the women stay seated while the men circulate."
It is for this latter reason that James believes girls today are lucky-they are straddling the old and the new.
"The truth is that women really have the best of both worlds right now," she maintains. "We have opportunity and equality, but men still feel compelled to hold the door for us out of respect. I think our society will, in the near term, remain a blend of these traditional and progressive elements."
The future of hunting
What will be the outcome of our generation's dating rituals? Whether it's an imposed or intrinsic desire, most girls want to be mothers and wives in addition to being career women. In relationships, they are hovering between being pushovers and being pushy. Will love become less important as self-fulfillment and self-actualization take on greater roles in both men and women's lives?
Weiner doesn't think so. "In seeking self-fulfillment and self-actualization, aren't we looking, to some extent, for love?" she asks. Still, Weiner cautions against selfhood becoming selfishness. "This growing emphasis on self endangers love only in that love which endures embodies a mutuality; in other words, one's preoccupations cannot solely be directed inward."
The key, according to James, is for a girl to "be the person she's comfortable being."
For Jalea, that means assuming responsibility for her dating life. "I'm not used to waiting idly around for things to happen to me and I refuse to wait until I'm chosen."
She's not alone. Ms. Assertive is on the prowl, and traditionalism is her latest prey.
2008 Woodie Awards
