This dude failed. Hard. (Professional Instagrammer / McBill Traily)

Phone call proves turning point in midterm defeat

a/Joke by

5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Silence. Pens dropped in frustration. Hands wringed in pain. It was over and there were no survivors. Students slowly trudged down the steps of Leacock 132 to hand in their midterms. They emerged from the cavernous venue after their BIOL 202 midterm this past week, disheartened and frustrated. Professor XX pulled out all the stops, with just that one jerk leaving before time was up.

“I think the worst part is that if I’d had one more day I know I would have crushed it,” U2 Biology major 270382048 said. “At this point I just hope everyone else did as badly as I did so I can ride the bell curve to a decent grade.”

Early reports, however, have suggested that a student-friendly bell curve is unlikely. Professor XX has stated that he feels the exam was definitely fair. Its format has been widely criticized, with students grumbling about its lack of questions in the multiple choice section, and the exam’s focus on material that seemed unimportant in class.

“Come on, that stuff was barely on the lecture slides,” U1 Physiology major 204820482 said. “I just ended up making something up, so hopefully I won’t end up with a zero in that section.”

Students were offered no compensation for the distractions that arose during the allotted time. With less than 10 minutes left on the clock, the supervising TA’s phone began to ring.

“He just picked it up and started talking,” 204820482 said. “Unbelievable. How was I supposed to focus on my test when he kept going on and on about the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.”

According to one group of friends who were seated together, the ringing sound could not have come at a worse time.

“That phone call was the final straw,” 270382048 said. “We tried to ignore it, but when people started murmuring, it was just too much. There’s a limit to how much paper-shuffling someone can tolerate. You would think that the TA would be the one making sure the midterm went smoothly, but obviously he blew some calls.”

The midterm was suffocating over the full three hours of regulation, holding the class of over 200 to a stingy 65 per cent average. During the first half, students were overwhelmed by the absurdity of the content. The second half proved no better, as Professor XX reported that most students left around two to three questions completely blank.

Perhaps the most telltale sign of the difficulties that students had is the sheer number of people claiming they were just glad to have it over with, while simultaneously reassuring one another that it probably went fine.

“I think I’ve earned a bit of break after today,” U2 Anatomy major 216322048 said. “I put off studying for this midterm until the last minute, but that definitely won’t happen for the final.”

Despite the unfavourable results, students were confident that they would ace the final, which will take place on Apr. 27 in Love Competition Hall.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2014.