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McGill University Arts Building
(Hayley Mortin / McGill Tribune)

McGill to divest from the colour red

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In the latest divisive Students’ Society of McGill University (SSMU) motion debated at yesterday’s Mid-Term-Crisis General Assembly (GA), 87 per cent of students decided to part ways with the iconic McGill red. SSMU is now mandated to lobby the McGill Board of Governors to divest from and boycott all things red, which will necessitate a comprehensive rebranding strategy to remove all traces of the colour from McGill buildings, websites, and logos. 

“This call for BDR (Boycott and Divest from Red) states that such campaigns are to remain in place until McGill meets its obligation to create a stress-free, environment for students, and to recognize the colour wheel’s inalienable right to self-determination,” the motion read. 

SSMU will effective immediately be removing all traces of the colour from its property, with minor renovations and repainting at Gerts Bar to force the cancellation of Sangria Wednesday this week.

“It’s a small price to pay for the huge step forward we’re making with this decision,” explained SSMU President Karl Abraham to disheartened students.

Gerts’ red sangria will likely not survive the cut. 

The “Yes” group consistently expressed concern regarding the stressful nature of the colour: It reminds students too closely of the red X’s written on their fifth grade long division tests, and the red F’s on midterms handed back during McGill’s neverending midterm period. It brings to mind only the judgemental negativity of the red squiggly lines in Microsoft Word, which incidentally still fail to grasp the correct spelling of “colour.” The colour has now become inseparable from the red notification bubble that pops up on myCourses, which continues to shatter dreams of attending Harvard Law and working alongside Harvey Specter. 

The “Yes” group advocates renaming the “McGill Redmen” the “McGill Men,” to help the process along. It argues that “Redmen” was “a stupid name anyways.” The martlet on McGill’s logos will also have to go, with various suggestions for its replacement including Rainbow Fish, a tropical parrot, or alternatively, just a blank white space. Consequently, the “McGill Martlets” will no longer be a suitable name choice, with rumours circulating that the Martlets will soon be unveiled as the “McGill Floodgirls,” to remind student athletes of the fearlessness and bravery demonstrated by McGill’s most courageous student.

In a surprising turn of events, McGill Principal Jo-Anne Fournier expressed her relief at the passage of the motion, and praised students for the courage and solidarity they have shown throughout this hard time. 

“This really speaks to the kind of innovative problem-solving unique to McGill students,” Fournier explained in a congratulatory email to the McGill community. “Things have been really tough lately, with austerity cuts and all, but I’m so excited to be involved in this ground-breaking journey towards a stress-free school.” 

It is estimated that boycotting red will reduce campus mental health services expenses by at least 50 per cent.

In an exclusive interview with the Tribune, a weary Fournier also admitted that she didn’t even like McGill red that much. 

“Quite frankly, it will be nice to be able to shake things up a bit,” Fournier said. “I’m more of a lavender person anyways.” 

The Colour-Blind Students’ Network expressed its support for the movement, stating that McGill’s overuse of red in its branding is oppressive and discriminatory towards the full colour spectrum. Red comes in many shades, and promoting fire-engine-red as the only socially accepted norm is unacceptable. 

“Just because society has institutionalized red as a primary colour, doesn’t mean McGill can overlook the struggles of under-appreciated colours, like mauve.” Vice-President (VP) Paintbrushes, Mandy Warhol, explained.

The McGill Teetotalers Club also officially endorsed the movement, as red is too closely associated with the ubiquitous red solo cup. 

“Frankly, the red solo cup promotes wastefulness,” Jane Simpleton, U0, complained. “Beer pong is a waste of plastic, a waste of time, and a waste of an education.” 

The club’s office has since reportedly been the victim of several acts of vandalism and harassment, including drunk streakers; graffiti reading, “red solo cup, I fill you up;” and receiving excessive free promotional gear from Molson Canadian.

The “No” group remains disappointed with the decision, reiterating that divestment will only serve to “marginalize Canadians on campus, and make them feel ashamed of their nationality and their maple leaves.” Many of its supporters reportedly swore to move to Laval after yesterday’s decision.

*This article is a work of satire and a part of our joke issue*

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