Curiosity Delivers.

(Soft Goth Sutton / The McGill Tribune)

‘Maybe’ campaigners firmly resolve to decide SSMU’s fate at some point soon

Joke by

Coinciding with the recent rare appearance of the Super Blue Blood Moon on Jan. 31, SSMU’s fate will be decided on April 1 when students vote on whether they would like to see its home, the University Central building, immolated in a ritual bonfire hosted by the McGill Outdoors Collective (MOC) or spared until Jan 31, 2037, when the next Super Blue Blood Moon is prophesied to appear.

In anticipation of the existence referendum, both “Yes” and “No” campaigns have begun distributing materials, lobbying students at some of the busiest points on campus, performing ceremonies at dusk, and setting up campaign stands at the O-intersection. However, on the morning of March 24, a third group of students discreetly erected their own booth at the O-intersection bearing a banner with only two words: “Vote? Maybe.”

Ian Decisiv, a U4 Economics student who enrolled an extra year to find the perfect major, said he decided to help organize the “Maybe” campaign after months of careful consideration.

“I finally reached that point where I said, ‘have I had enough of SSMU?’,” Decisiv managed to explain despite severe anxiety. “What is the point of SSMU even? Other than its services, especially mental health stuff. I mean, I personally have never used them, but a lot of people I know have said they were really helpful. I don’t know, immolation seems like a lot, but so is paying to subsidize the VicePresident Internal’s asbestos habit.”

Indie Firenze, U2 Psychology and co-organizer of the “Maybe” campaign, explained in an interview with The McGill Tribune that she has never entered University Central and did not participate in Frosh during her freshman year.

“A lot of people in my residence were worried that I missed out on Frosh, but I really didn’t care about it either way,” Firenze mumbled. “Like, I’ve had beer before, thanks. Anybody who stays friends with their Frosh team past second year is weird anyways. The campaign? Sorry, I’m not actually sure what ‘SSMU’ is. Isn’t that something you need to call an HVAC technician to fix?”

Ever since it was first erected, the “Maybe” booth has hosted aggressive attempts by members of both the “No” and “Yes” campaigns to persuade its supporters. Members of the “Yes” campaign in particular insist that if they could engage apathetic students in the “Maybe” movement, SSMU could potentially affect campus life in a fractionally less underwhelming way.

“SSMU has made negligible to mild impacts on the lives of almost every student,” Zac Charine, SSMU President and “Yes” campaign chairperson, asserted smarmily, later noting that this is mostly due to Gorts bar, and that the mild impact is typically a short hangover. “We’re so important. How can the ‘Maybe’ campaign ignore our advocacy initiatives? We are the only people who could possibly speak on behalf of the student body, and the administration listens to us at least 10 per cent of the time.”

Rich White, an organizer of the “No” campaign who became infamous for pledging to never have friends outside of Management and Engineering, detailed why he decided to advocate to burn down University Central once and for all.

“Much like members of the ‘Maybe’ campaign, I rarely if ever have actually set foot in the SSMU building,” White said with a blank stare, chuckling. “But I like to see things burn, and I hate you all. I hate all the clubs that have rejected me. I hate the Arts students that wouldn’t be my friends, and I even despise the ‘Maybe’ campaigners for their sense of belonging. I want you to watch as the precious memories, connections, and experiences you created at SSMU are reduced to soot and ash, and vanish from existence for eternity. I want to see you weep. Also, huge thanks to the MOC for offering to host the ritual bonfire.”

This article is a work of satire and is part of the Tribune’s 2018 Joke Issue.

Tags:

Latest from Joke

Curiosity Delivers.
Go to Top