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Margaret Scratcher
(Design by Hayley Lim / McGill Tribune)

Margaret Scratcher claws her way up to SSMU presidency

a/Joke by

On Friday, March 27, write-in catidate Margaret Scratcher won her case against the SSMU Supreme Court regarding the results of the recent SSMU election. Claiming there was something fishy about the unfurrtunate results, the Supreme Court scooped up the tail and due to an infringement claws, issued an official recount. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, the Court found Scratcher the clear winner with a majority vote of 89.8 per cent.

The claim was placed following rumors that members from within the election itself groomed the results to cause Scratcher’s loss. The purrpetrators, whose names have not yet been released to the public, are currently being purrsued to validate the allogations. Sources assert the group rigged the election because they “really are, just dog people.” 

After the shocking catastrophe, former president-elect Karma Abraham reacted pawsitively, asserting the importance of transpurrancy in elections. He was also relieved to have the pressure remewved. Last night he updated his Facebook status: “Thanks all for your support, I am sure Margaret will do a purrfect job. TBH all I want to do now is snuggle up in something soft and knock some important items off my desk.”

The other candidate Alex Smirnoff agreed Scratcher was the top dog for the job, but urged students to be cautious, recalling Scratchers previous cattiness during presidential debates. 

“She would litterally just sit there licking herself in public, occasionally meowing at the ceiling. Something about her just rubbed me the wrong way.”

Scratcher does not intend to take this attack purrsonally and is ready to pounce back and start putting her plans into action. Her previous platform included increasing budget spending to complete project Capture the Red Dot and opening the Redpath Library doors to accommodate individuals without opposable thumbs. With this victory she intends to really get her paws dirty and chase the rats out of SSMU. 

She also plans to continue to push the importance of creature equality on campus. She commented that all species regardless of colour, fluffiness, or snuggability ought to have a rightful place at McGill. In order to achieve this monstrous task, she proposes the placement of gender and species-neural litterboxes throughout campus.  

Her first project will be piloted this coming April, titled “Free the Nip,” a campaign lobbying for the legalization of catnip on campus. She envisions the complete decriminalization of posession of the popular stimulant by November 2015. 

Scratcher stated she was excited to have won her case and intends to seize every moment as SSMU president as if it was the last ball of twine dangling off a table. In celebration of her triumph, she hopes to install the first ever “Cocktail Caturdays” a bring your pet to Gerts night. Although not yet confirmed, it is rumored that Concordia University’s student union’s president Winston Furrhill will be in attendance. The pair have been spotted sharing scratching posts and left the litterbox together this past February. The other VP’s declined to comment on how these relations will affect the future of communication between Concordia and McGill student unions. 

The other VPs commented they were pleased with the results, hoping Margaret will live up to her reputation as the iron kitty, and are grateful to have such a motiviated member on council.  Khloe Torque, next year’s VP University Affurs, added, “I’m grateful to have Margaret’s fantastic catitude with us on committee, I’m hoping her presidency will also have great impact on the current mice infestation in SSMU.”

Concerns were raised from current VP Internal Dave Haim regarding how the presence of such an adorable councillor would affect productivity of fellow SSMU members. Rumors of a motion to implement extra cuddle hours have not been confirmed; however, several students have expressed interest in attending office hours with Scratcher.

This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.

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