The Library Improvement Fund (LIF) released its report this week outlining the initiatives that will be undertaken in the 2015-2016 academic year. The report includes plans to improve the library facilities, as well as strategies for the implementation of several special projects.
One of the main undertakings is the creation of a timeline to eliminate PDA by 2017. The LIF created a plan to achieve this goal by gradually imposing regulations to limit impromptu shoulder massages and make-out sessions directly across from another student.
Out of respect to other students, the report also recommends leaving your goddamn carrots at home. The LIF has also explored the possibility of holding workshops for students seeking to learn about proper music and cell phone etiquette. One info session has already been held for students unsure of at what decibel their trap music becomes audible to the entire rest of the section.
In a two-pronged approach to combat the persistent smell of body odour, the LIF has put aside funds to hold a large-scale fumigation of the 6th floor of Schulich Library, and hopes to lobby the administration to organize its efforts to turn down the thermostat. In addition, the LIF has created a specific timeline dedicated to initiatives at the Schulich Library, including hopes to see the construction on the building completed by 2092.
As part of its efforts to improve the appearance of library facilities, the LIF hopes to increase its funding by December 2016 to provide calligraphy pens in all library bathrooms with the goal of beautifying the bathroom stall debates scrawled on the walls. The report reasons that your uninformed comments about the Demilitarize McGill sticker would look much nicer in a uniform serif font.
The LIF report also advocates for the implementation of strict regulations to combat students taking the elevator to the third floor. Some strategies for achieving this goal include imposing fines for lazy elevator riders, as well as starting a social action campaign to publicly shame any student who takes the elevator to either the second or third floor. Negotiations are also underway for a similar shaming strategy for individual students occupying a five-person table in the Redpath group study area.
Finally, in collaboration with the Mental Health Working Group (MHWG), the LIF has requested that McGill discontinue the 11:45 PM bell in McLennan Library. The report estimated that the elimination of the incessant ringing in the middle of student all-nighters would decrease the number of visits to the Mental Health Clinic by approximately 40 per cent. This request was made in direct response to one student’s meltdown during the Fall semester finals, when the ringing, even when stopped, continued to echo in his head, causing him to curl up in fetal position under a 5th floor McLennan desk.
This story is a work of satire and appeared as part of our April Fools Issue 2015.