Montreal police were called to Cybertheque Pod #4 in the Redpath basement Thursday after receiving complaints of intimidating and disruptive behaviour by two student magazine employees. Witnesses reported hearing grunts, dominance challenges, and heated debate over fiscal policy.
Police arrived on the scene to find a meeting of a bull and a bear. They refused to comply with officers’ requests to disperse, citing “the importance of press freedom.”
A tense standoff ensued as police attempted to negotiate. Officers sent in hay and berries—in an attempt to calm the animals’ nerves—to no avail. After repeated bluff charges from the bull and bear, police were forced to call animal control for back-up. Help arrived as bylaw officers brought bear spray and red handkerchiefs. After a minute of chaos, the animals were restrained. The beasts have been charged with causing a disturbance and violating the Canada Wildlife Act.
“Thankfully, the situation was defused without any serious injuries or death,” a Service de Police de la Ville de Montréal (SPVM) spokesperson said. “But we were very lucky. Who knows what could have happened if this bull got all over campus. This incident really underscores the importance of not letting aggressive, multi-tonne animals enrol in university.”
The wild creatures’ counsel views things differently. “This is yet another example of the police in this province disrespecting the rights of journalists,” Marc Ferdinand, the lawyer representing the pair, said. “It’s as if they’d never heard of the Chamberland Commission.”
Canine Journalists for Free Expression (CJFE), a press-freedom advocacy group that specializes in bull publications, echoed these sentiments.
“People like to dismiss animal media as ‘not real journalism,’ but that’s simply untrue,” CJFE wrote in a statement to The McGill Tribune. “By bridging the taxonomic gap between them, this bull and bear duo has produced some of the most insightful think-pieces on smoking I’ve ever read. They deserve constitutional protection as much as any of us.”
Neither the bull nor the bear provided comment, as neither can speak. A bail hearing is scheduled for next week.
This article is a work of satire and is part of the Tribune’s 2018 Joke Issue.