JOKE ISSUE: Frosh will be booze free in future

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Frosh will go alcohol-free this Fall as part of a series of massive changes which are the result of a decreasing interest in getting shitfaced. Students’ Society Vice-President Internal Alex Brown said, “It’s really too bad that it’s come to this, but incoming students just don’t want to party.”

The decision was made after several focus groups were conducted by Student Services to assess what first years thought about Frosh. An overwhelming majority of the students surveyed said they “didn’t like the taste of beer,” and “would rather stay home and read” during their first week in residence.

J. R. Polver, a U1 engineering student, said he is happy about the upcoming change to Frosh.

“Frosh really sucked for me. I wanted to sit on lower field and play name games, but the leaders were trying to make us sing profanities and consume alcoholic beverages quickly.”

Incoming VP Internal Tom Fabian sympathized with Frosh leaders, saying, “I love Frosh, and I love the way it’s been run thus far. It’s too bad the new wave of students are total squares and can’t appreciate what Frosh leaders are doing for them.”

In the past, Frosh has consisted of binge drinking, chanting, pub crawls and alcohol-related sports events. Starting this year, Frosh will focus on team-building exercises like trust falls and red rover. The administration is concerned that Frosh leaders may try to smuggle alcohol into the event, but many are confident that it will be a smooth transition. To enforce the strict zero-tolerance alcohol ban, McGill security has been supplied with 9mm revolvers and have been instructed to “shoot first and ask questions later.”

An unnamed source from McGill security said, “this system may seem harsh, but it will ensure everyone has a good time at Frosh and help natural selection when it comes to Frosh leaders.”

SSMU President Ivan Neilson could not be reached for comment.