There is an excellent, clever and effective commercial invading our airwaves, and it drives me freakin’ crazy. Unilever, the maker of Axe deodorant spray, has hired ex-Newlywed Nick Lachey as their flirtatious, dimpled spokesman for its new fragrance, Clix. For 43 seconds, Lachey walks around town, going about his mundane activities: grabbing a cup of coffee, picking up his laundry and shopping at designer stores. At every location beautiful women give him the eye (you know what I’m talking about) and for every come-hither gaze directed his way, Lachey “clix” his hand-held counter, tallying his sex-appeal.

Now, it might be worth pointing out that when Axe deodorant was originally released in South Africa, it was named “Ego,” with the tagline, “Get a girlfriend.” Throughout its 32-year history, the Axe marketing team has convinced millions worldwide that this deodorant will in fact help a geeky-looking guy get a girlfriend. And maybe it has. I’ve smelled the product, and while I was not instantaneously overcome with uncontrollable lust, I wasn’t particularly repulsed by it either. However, unless Axe bottles pheromones (though… who’s to say it doesn’t), there is no way that I would ever give Nick Lachey the sex-eye.

He’s just too smug. He is the manifestation of Ego, and maybe that is why he’s perfect for the job. Every time his manicured thumb clicks his counter, I cringe. He is conventionally hot and he knows it. Men want to be him and women (and certainly many men) want to do him. Or at least they should, according to the commercial. But honestly, what kind of modern-day female sits outside a coffee shop and seductively licks her finger every time a tomcat saunters by? A whore, that’s who!

In Nick Lachey’s world, however, this animalistic display of attraction is not only expected, but it happens over 100 times a day! Yet Axe’s atonement is swift, and this is where the clever part of the commercial kicks in. Nick, so proud of his “accomplishments” (wow, you can click a button on some daft fucking device), shows his high score to an unassuming, slightly gangly hotel employee. This Average Joe – that’s all of you guys who aren’t named Nick Lachey – counters by revealing that he clicked over 2,000 times that day. Hooray for the Morlock!

Of course, this is only possible because he sprayed Axe’s new deodorant, Clix, upon his skinny, unimpressive body earlier that day, thus releasing the mojo-enhancing powers of the concentrated fragrance. And after 43 seconds of watching an inflated ego strut his stuff, it was refreshing to see the underdog win the proverbial pissing contest. But I was still put off from seeing such a display of arrogance and undeserved airs. Lachey could be the hottest, sexiest man alive, but I am too blinded by his vacuous cockiness to see it.

And thus I have discovered what it is that really makes men attractive: it is the lack of a clicker. Naturally, women will fantasize about an extremely attractive man, with a great body, good hair, soft eyes and maybe even a couple dimples, but they never dream of a cocksure attitude or of a conceited jackass. Women want gorgeous men who don’t know that they are gorgeous. Humble hotties are a rare find, and girls, if you have one, don’t let him go… and don’t let him buy Clix for that matter either. The last thing you want is your man clicking about town.

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